Day Thirty-Seven

Today is the 37th day since I moved out of my mom's house and while there are nights when I cry myself to sleep, I try to keep strong and stand firm on my decision.

I was aware even before I made my decision to move out, that it's not going to be easy. And so being ovewhelmed by my present circumstances is already an expected feeling. It doesn't make things easier, but at least it abates the feeling of dread. . .the fear that I will fail in the process.

I miss my family, and that's the hardest part. I will not talk of the unending bills, the mountainous laundry, the cable connection sans my favorite channels, or the little mouse that causes me to jump in fright at least once a day. All these things I can handle, or try my best to survive or get used to, but not being able to see my mom or call my dad breaks me apart. It's not that they've severed me from the family tree, I just feel that it's not yet the proper time to get in touch. I get news about the family from my big sister and for that I feel so grateful. My ate was true to her word; when I told her about my decision, she told me "basta kahit saan ka pumunta, hahanapin pa rin kita. Hindi ako papayag na maputol ang communication natin. Bukas ang bahay ko anytime you need to come here."

Last week I did just that. I spent the night at my sister's house. When before, my ate goes to bed at 9:00, that night, she waited up for me. And we spent the night talking and updating each other of happenings in our lives. It was not the kind of conversation that touched on the heart, but I did appreciate every moment because for a while then, I felt like things were back to normal. That night too, I got to see my Jeff-jeff and was amused at the words coming out of his 4-year old mouth.

Surprisingly, while I perfectly enjoyed playing with my Jeff-jeff again, I missed my own place. Sometime during the night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep again. I missed my bed and the creaking sound it makes everytime I turn, I missed my new bedsheet in fake Burberry plaid design, but most of all I missed the snore of my housemate.

When I came home the following night, Nonoy and I had a fight. Nah, not exactly a fight because I was the only one upset and he was trying to appease me the whole time. I got angry because he did not buy drinking water and I didn't have anything to drink when I got home. Then the issue went to the toilet bowl that he didn't flush, and the laundry that's beginning to pile up again. Petty stuff, yes.

There will be more of this I know, it's only day thirty-seven after all.

I'm a disappointment...

Yesterday was my ate's birthday. I wanted to see her but she told me they are having her birthday dinner at my mom's house. Hmmm...can't do that just yet.

Later, on my way home I got a text from my mom. . ."Thank you sa bigas. Hindi ako galit, just disappointed." I had my month's rice ration taken to her house that afternoon.

I didn't know if I should be relieved to know that my mom is not angry with me, but making her feel "disappointed" in me feels even worse. It's as if i've completely failed her, and that whatever good things I've done in the past do not matter now.

Good things? I haven't done much. Not in my mother's eyes at least. That's why when she said I disappointed her. . . I just told myself, "this is not something new." My mom has always expected more from me than her other kids. I don't know why, or would I bother knowing why. It's just something I had to live with all my life. I needed to do more, earn more, win more, learn more, know more, just because.

So now I have a new role. I am the disappointment. Oh well...

Funny Freezer

Two weeks, well almost. It has been two weeks since we've moved in. The place continue to look a little better with each passing day, a few more things have been added, not without putting a strain to my bank account. But then again, each centavo I put into our humble abode is all worth it.

We have a teeny weeny refrigerator now. Funny because the tiny freezer freezes only one side of the ice we put in. =) We have to turn the ice over to freeze the other side! Hahaha!