ruminations

Just this morning, Ate and I were talking about how old we now are, because she saw an old t-shirt which was about 6 years old. She distinctly remembers when the t-shirt was bought because it was what Fel wore to the surprise 30th birthday party we gave her. She's turning 37 in August, while I turned 32 early this year.

Me at 3 years old, My big sister at 8

Funny, I sometimes forget that 32 is big number, considering that at this age, my mom already had her third child (me) and was more or less completely settled with her life. She had started working again and much must have felt a lot certain for her.

Comparing it with where I am right now, I don't even feel that I am even half-way there (where I should be) or that I have at least taken the first step to certainty. I know I have a good job, I am with a person I truly love, I have friends and family whose loyalty are unquestionable...and yet there is this nagging feeling that I'm just going where my feet are taking me, and that I am not truly in control.

But making the best of what there is, has been a honed talent for me. I've come to learn that there is just much that life can give you. Even when you feel that you deserve more, sometimes the circumstances will completely invalidate that feeling. And so I learned to just deal with what life brings, and be thankful of the bonuses that come from time to time.

What comes with this pseudo-contentment state is the fear that I end up not getting what I really want in life. I used to be a go-getter, and dipped my fingers in what I felt would catapult me to greater heights. I used to work and study at the same time, wanting to earn my master's degree at 23. I owned a training firm at 24, ran a business at 25 and was an utter failure at 26. Life was very fast, and I was drowned in the waves of my stupidity. I used to think that by living fast, you get to claim success even faster. I should have taken it slow, made sure that I am able to digest the lessons of each experience, made each second count.

But God is good, He gave me another chance. Another opportunity to feel worthy of my parents' pride. But I'm taking it slow this time. Small, careful steps. Yeah, that's it. Small careful steps...