am i back?

I am trying to blog again. years after I wrote my last. I don't really know why I stopped, but now I am finding more reasons not to start writing again.

For one, my most ardent reader, my biggest fan is gone, leaving me thinking if my life is worth writing about, again.

So I will take small steps, baby steps, and see where this will take me.

A friend once asked (I don't remember exactly what his question was, but it was to this effect...): "What will make you happy, or make you feel fulfilled or successful?" Without batting an eyelash, I told him: " Ever since Daddy passed on, I cannot see how I can ever feel fulfilled, be successful or truly happy, knowing that a big part of me is now missing, someone who has been the biggest influence, supporter and mentor."

So I take things slow now. One day at a time. Small steps. Baby steps.

I'm stuck at twenty-five.

Yesterday afternoon, I was having an animated conversation with a colleague while we were eating shing-a-ling at my desk. She was telling me about her experience working in a convent school and the disappointing yet hilarious instances when she had to deal with the quirks of her boss. Somewhere along the conversation, the topic centered on age. She mentioned that at her age (39) she often feels and sometimes thinks or acts like she’s still 18. Then she asked me, how about you what age are you in? I thought for a second and said, “I feel that I’m stuck at 25.”

Now that I ponder why I said that, I realize that I really am stuck at 25. While my looks would defy that statement to the hilt, my mind says a different thing.

Some proof that I still am 25…

• I still get surprised or amused when I hear of former classmates/schoolmates who get married or have a child.

• I still enjoy playing computer games and can last one whole weekend in front of my laptop running the lives of my SIMS™.

• I still like playing pranks on people or fooling around with my friends. I still laugh heartily and without care in the world if something is really funny.

• I still feel that there is so much to learn in the world especially in terms of the career path I’ve taken. Thank God I have a boss who likes to teach as much as I like to learn.

• I’m still irresponsible and impulsive when it comes to handling money and still feel that it’s not the most important thing in the world.

• I still feel emotionally unequipped to have a child.

• I still laze around the TV even if there are stacks of dirty dishes on my sink.

• I still sleep late even when I get migraines from lack of it.

• I still enjoy junk food and put in as much fat and salt in my diet.

• I still enjoy the company of twenty-somethings, who make up my circle of friends at work.

• I still get a pimple every now and then.

• I still look at each day as a fresh new start, an opportunity to make a big difference (which I sometimes do not dare take).

But then again, no matter how many times I tell myself I am 25, these things happen to my days:

• My joints ache when I wake up to a cold morning.

• I pay bills and shop for grocery to run my household.

• The government takes out 32% off my paycheck for taxes.

• The songs of my teens are now classics, and some have been revived by new singers.

• Two of my nephews are teenagers now, one will be a high school freshman by June.

• My younger sister is 30 and her little one is now a year old.

• My laughlines are more pronounced and I see more grey hair on my head.

--------------------------------------------------------

Maybe time did pass, I just refused to acknowledge it. Hoping that by doing so I can believe that the decisions of my past will not permanently engrave my future.

And now at thirty-five, I'd like to believe that I still have plenty of future left. I can feel it in my bones (which go creak on a cold morning).

A Night of Freeloading

In early December, my office friends and I decided to have a fancy Christmas dinner as a way to reward ourselves. By fancy, we meant splurging on buffet at a five-star hotel. The first choice if of course Manila Diamond since Mark’s dad works there and so we have a better chance of getting a discount. On December 11, we went through with the plan but sadly, Ela and Enny couldn’t make it because of previous engagements. So Pia and I braved the Ortigas-Makati-Manila traffic in order to get to Manila Diamond where Mark was already nearing unconsciousness because of hunger.

When we arrived, Mark was already having his soup and soon after his dad called, looking for him. The General (Mark’s Dad) then came to sit with us over dinner, much to Mark’s disappointment. But when his dad started ordering different dishes straight from the kitchen, we were all thankful that he was there with us.

The menu theme for Thursday night was Spanish so most of the food fare were sumptuous, spicy and flavorful. We tried sampling everything but we had to leave room for dessert. Good thing we did because the cakes and pastries were heavenly! We even tried asking the chef if they can sell us whole cakes, but sadly, they don’t do that in their hotel.

Much later, Mark’s mom came, done with her spa treatment. They stayed for a while and when they said goodbye, they left us with a special treat… dinner is free! We thought that we were just getting a good discount but Mark’s dad footed the bill.

After dinner, we did a photo op at the hotel lobby. Manila Diamond has a very interesting Christmas tree so we thought of taking our pics with it.

We capped the night with coffee at Starbucks Magallanes. We were all feeling dizzy while making our orders and we all thought that it was probably from all the food we ate earlier. It was not even 12am then but we were feeling sleepy already. Pia attributed it to age, Mark from being tired from work, and me from having late nights for more than a week. Soon after we said goodbye and took separate rides home. It was weekday after all and there’s still work the next day.

It is always great being with these two, even if i have to be the "bridge" all the time.