split-second madness...lifetime consequences

How do you get over losing someone in such a tragic way? Do you ever?

My best friend of over 20 years lost her brother one fateful February day. He spent four days in the ICU after being struck in the head with a blunt object. It was a deliberate act, the perpetrator’s way of getting even over something so insignificant. And because of that a wife lost the husband to whom she has dedicated her life. Because of that one stupid act, two boys will grow up, fighting their own battles, making sense of the world without a father to guide them through. A family will spend the rest of tomorrow asking questions they may never find the answers to.

The day I went to the hospital, I felt part of the pain that the rest of the family was feeling. I can only imagine the mixture of emotions they are experiencing…anger, grief, disbelief…

If only if it weren’t so sudden, if only there was a chance for a proper goodbye, an opportunity to assure that everything will be okay despite his leaving.

The greatest pain comes from knowing that his life was taken away by someone who did not think twice to measure how much his life is worth to his family and friends. Here is a man who is a great provider, a loving husband and a dutiful son, and yet his life is taken away in a spur of a moment, a result of a trivial issue that could have been easily resolved.

Words of condolences uttered may be worthless at the moment. It can never dull the pain no matter what. Words of assurance that he is now in the presence of his Maker, may even sound too condescending. For now I can only offer prayers for the family. Prayers to help them heal. There is no way to hasten the process of healing, it will be a rough and bumpy ride but the whole family must commit to hold hands throughout the journey.

I know it will take long, maybe years to understand why something like this has to happen. Only God knows the answers, only He knows why.

A letter to my sparring partner, little sister, confidante and friend.

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure,

to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.

There is more security in the adventurous and exciting,

for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

(Alan Cohen)

It will be almost three years since we first met, I remember you then as a tall, demure and seemingly shy girl when mother introduced you to the rest of the group. And you were! Well for the first few days at least… I also remember the first time you ate at the cafeteria; you were rather uncomfortable with the goings-on around you, like a lost sheep in a lion’s den. Since that time, you never looked back.

Little by little I came to know and appreciate the person that you are. I’ve seen your many moods (from a crying baby because someone told you off, to a hyperactive dance instructor, to a respectable program facilitator, to a dead serious SAP profile attach-er) and realized that one will never really get to know you without experiencing all of them. I’m glad I’ve been privy to most if not all your many sides because you’re one person truly worth having as a friend.

I won’t say goodbye, because this is not the time to do so. 6th floor maybe a few minutes away, but I am sincerely hoping that the distance will not affect what we tulisans have established. I cannot say that things will not change, but on my part, I promise to make the effort to ensure that you will remain in the loop. You will be missed of course; after all, it will just be blank panel now when I look to my left.

I also cannot assure you that things will be better for you this time; I can only pray that your move will allow you to acquire a wider perspective, one which will likewise permit you to know yourself and the role you would want to play in this world. I know you still have a lot of doubts at this point, but I admire your courage to start on that quest. I hope that later on, you’ll get the answers.

However uncertain, taxing or terrifying the road may be, you know where to find me.

Goodbye Boom, and thank you

On Thursday, my sister texted me to say that Boom has passed away. Mauricio (Boom's real name) is Fel's cousin who has become a dear friend over the years. He was diagnosed to have a brain tumor in May, underwent an operation a few days after, and went into a coma a few weeks after that. To all of us, everything was so sudden, we didn't have time to say a proper goodbye or hold a feast in his honor and celebrate his colorful life. We all prayed that he would get better, but we also hoped that his suffering would end soon enough. He didn't deserve to be in so much pain. I would not want to dwell on the depressing circumstances of his illness and passing away, instead I would like to remember him for the great person that he is.

I've known Boom for about 5 to 6 years, from the time I regularly camped out in my sister's house on certain days. Being a late sleeper like me, he would often come banging on our gate so we can watch TV together. We were both "kapuso" and often bashed the other network's efforts. We liked watching beauty pageants, to laugh at the contestants, bubble gang to laugh at their commercial spoofs, and just about anything which we will eventually laugh about. That's how Boom is. He would find humor in the most banal situations; his mother's and relatives' booboos, jeff's antics, etc.

He also liked learning about interesting personalities like socialites, business moguls, artistas, etc. We often argued about the magazines I bring home which he would sometimes take without permission. He liked taking a peek at their lifestyle and getting a taste of what its like to be in their shoes. I remember when we got lost inside some mansion over at Dasma village. We went there to do floral arrangements for the lady of the house. The house was so big that we didn't know how to get out. Funny, really.

Boom also liked singing, and he sang very well. I remember feeling so good when he said I can sing, because coming from him, a voice coach, the comment was very flattering.

He loved splendid things and would gladly try out something new just know how it's like. Being very easy to please, he raved on small hand overs; chichirya, chocolates, moisturizer, t-shirt, whatever. He also liked sharing all his experiences, the places he's been to, the people he has met, his friends.

At 42, he hid the fact the he smokes, which I often teased him about. Sometimes, when he's in the house and lights up a cigarette, I would shout "Boom, pahiram ng lighter!" I laugh now, remembering his facial reaction and curses he would mouth to me. He was so worried, his mother would know.

These are the things I would miss about Boom. No more late night TV fare buddy, ka-kwentuhan and ka-tawanan. I know everything happens for a reason. Maybe God taught the angels in heaven need to laugh a bit more, so he sent for Boom.

You've lived a wonderful life my friend, see you someday.

Goodbyes

Felt sad today.

I just learned that one of my officemates is thinking of leaving SMC. I felt sad because he’s one really great guy, in terms of work competencies and building friendships. In a short time, I’ve come to appreciate the person that he is, the kind of father, husband and friend that he is. I also learned much from him, as he is always willing to share what he knows and finds joy and being able to teach.

But then again, his reasons for leaving are quite valid, and I’m sure that he will have better opportunities elsewhere. It’s just sad knowing that a person can truly be a victim of circumstances, of which he has no control. In the past, I always believed that you always have a hand on things that will happen to you, but with his sad story, I realized that sometimes that is not the case.

I just wish him well, since that is all I can do. And I just hope the friendship will remain.

Abandoning the LoveNest

In a couple of weeks, I will be giving up my apartment and moving to my sister's home. Now that she's in Dubai, her partner asked me if I could move to their place and rent there instead. The idea caught my attention since I've been wanting to cut down on my expenses in order to start saving and eventually buying my own place. This of course cannot happen if I spend so much on house rent and electricity. At least now, my plan to get a rent-to-own condominium has a bigger chance of materializing.

I know there will be a number of changes, both positive and otherwise as a consequence of my move to Pasig. After all, the house won't be mine and Lyndon's alone, so therefore there is a need to adjust not only with each other but our other housemates. But we've lived there for sometime so I guess it won't be too much of a hassle.

One positive change of course is that my residence will be nearer the office, thus I won't be as tired from the viaje when I go home at night. Another plus factor is that Jeff will be nearer and this is my chance to fulfill my promise to my sister that I will look after him.

Just this morning on my way to work, I was already imagining what things will be like once we move. I hope to recreate the humble place we've started because that's one place I felt at home the most.

Day Thirty-Seven

Today is the 37th day since I moved out of my mom's house and while there are nights when I cry myself to sleep, I try to keep strong and stand firm on my decision.

I was aware even before I made my decision to move out, that it's not going to be easy. And so being ovewhelmed by my present circumstances is already an expected feeling. It doesn't make things easier, but at least it abates the feeling of dread. . .the fear that I will fail in the process.

I miss my family, and that's the hardest part. I will not talk of the unending bills, the mountainous laundry, the cable connection sans my favorite channels, or the little mouse that causes me to jump in fright at least once a day. All these things I can handle, or try my best to survive or get used to, but not being able to see my mom or call my dad breaks me apart. It's not that they've severed me from the family tree, I just feel that it's not yet the proper time to get in touch. I get news about the family from my big sister and for that I feel so grateful. My ate was true to her word; when I told her about my decision, she told me "basta kahit saan ka pumunta, hahanapin pa rin kita. Hindi ako papayag na maputol ang communication natin. Bukas ang bahay ko anytime you need to come here."

Last week I did just that. I spent the night at my sister's house. When before, my ate goes to bed at 9:00, that night, she waited up for me. And we spent the night talking and updating each other of happenings in our lives. It was not the kind of conversation that touched on the heart, but I did appreciate every moment because for a while then, I felt like things were back to normal. That night too, I got to see my Jeff-jeff and was amused at the words coming out of his 4-year old mouth.

Surprisingly, while I perfectly enjoyed playing with my Jeff-jeff again, I missed my own place. Sometime during the night I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep again. I missed my bed and the creaking sound it makes everytime I turn, I missed my new bedsheet in fake Burberry plaid design, but most of all I missed the snore of my housemate.

When I came home the following night, Nonoy and I had a fight. Nah, not exactly a fight because I was the only one upset and he was trying to appease me the whole time. I got angry because he did not buy drinking water and I didn't have anything to drink when I got home. Then the issue went to the toilet bowl that he didn't flush, and the laundry that's beginning to pile up again. Petty stuff, yes.

There will be more of this I know, it's only day thirty-seven after all.

I'm a disappointment...

Yesterday was my ate's birthday. I wanted to see her but she told me they are having her birthday dinner at my mom's house. Hmmm...can't do that just yet.

Later, on my way home I got a text from my mom. . ."Thank you sa bigas. Hindi ako galit, just disappointed." I had my month's rice ration taken to her house that afternoon.

I didn't know if I should be relieved to know that my mom is not angry with me, but making her feel "disappointed" in me feels even worse. It's as if i've completely failed her, and that whatever good things I've done in the past do not matter now.

Good things? I haven't done much. Not in my mother's eyes at least. That's why when she said I disappointed her. . . I just told myself, "this is not something new." My mom has always expected more from me than her other kids. I don't know why, or would I bother knowing why. It's just something I had to live with all my life. I needed to do more, earn more, win more, learn more, know more, just because.

So now I have a new role. I am the disappointment. Oh well...

On Our Own

Tuesday, July 19, 2005 is most memorable for me as this was the day when I gathered all the guts to leave home and begin a life with my Nonoy. It wasn't easy making this decision, despite the fact that I've been toying with the idea for some months now. I never thought I would finally get around and make it for real. It's sad to think that my decision was brought about by unpleasant circumstances; and while I cannot put all of that behind me I know better than to wade in a pool of depression. I need to get up, get out and face what lies ahead for me.

Finding our own place wasn't very easy, considering that we only had 1 whole day to do it. So when we found this studio type apartment near my bestfriend's place, we grabbed the opportunity and moved in. I didn't have anything with me except a few bags of clothes. Good thing my bestfriend's husband had a few items we could buy to help us start out (flourescent lights, a bed, a personal fridge, and a dining set). He also threw in their old dinner wares for free.

The following day, I bought myself a television set (a great necessity for me!) and pillows. Good thing my bestfriend allowed me to use her credit card, otherwise I would never be able to make that purchase.

On Saturday my bestfriend and I went to Divisoria to buy a few more things for the house. I bought about a thousand pesos worth of plastic wares (pails, tabo, dish rack, shoe rack, hangers, laundry hampers, bathroom organizer, dustpan, etc.). Walking along J. Luna, we came across a linen store, so I was able to get a set of bed linens and pillowcases. I also bought a Mickey Mouse wall clock which now adorns our wall.

On Sunday, Nonoy and I went to SM San Lazaro to get a few more necessities. Another pair of pillows, venetian blinds (to replace the curtains Annie lent me), cleaning tools (a mop and toilet brush), a light bulb, hooks and screws, etc.

Yesterday, we went to Tambunting to buy a TV rack and a closet. So now my TV is not on the floor anymore and our clothes have moved out of the suitcase.

I could blab on and on about all the things I've bought for the house and this would probably cause you to be bored sooner or later. I simply need to chronicle each new furniture, utensil, screw or nail because I'm mighty proud that all these are mine. At thirty-one, I finally feel like a grown up!

Our place is beginning to take shape, looking more organized and comfortable now than the first day we moved in. Hopefully, someday, I could say the same for my life with Nonoy. One day, I will look back at this post and be amused by our humble beginnings.