I'm stuck at twenty-five.

Yesterday afternoon, I was having an animated conversation with a colleague while we were eating shing-a-ling at my desk. She was telling me about her experience working in a convent school and the disappointing yet hilarious instances when she had to deal with the quirks of her boss. Somewhere along the conversation, the topic centered on age. She mentioned that at her age (39) she often feels and sometimes thinks or acts like she’s still 18. Then she asked me, how about you what age are you in? I thought for a second and said, “I feel that I’m stuck at 25.”

Now that I ponder why I said that, I realize that I really am stuck at 25. While my looks would defy that statement to the hilt, my mind says a different thing.

Some proof that I still am 25…

• I still get surprised or amused when I hear of former classmates/schoolmates who get married or have a child.

• I still enjoy playing computer games and can last one whole weekend in front of my laptop running the lives of my SIMS™.

• I still like playing pranks on people or fooling around with my friends. I still laugh heartily and without care in the world if something is really funny.

• I still feel that there is so much to learn in the world especially in terms of the career path I’ve taken. Thank God I have a boss who likes to teach as much as I like to learn.

• I’m still irresponsible and impulsive when it comes to handling money and still feel that it’s not the most important thing in the world.

• I still feel emotionally unequipped to have a child.

• I still laze around the TV even if there are stacks of dirty dishes on my sink.

• I still sleep late even when I get migraines from lack of it.

• I still enjoy junk food and put in as much fat and salt in my diet.

• I still enjoy the company of twenty-somethings, who make up my circle of friends at work.

• I still get a pimple every now and then.

• I still look at each day as a fresh new start, an opportunity to make a big difference (which I sometimes do not dare take).

But then again, no matter how many times I tell myself I am 25, these things happen to my days:

• My joints ache when I wake up to a cold morning.

• I pay bills and shop for grocery to run my household.

• The government takes out 32% off my paycheck for taxes.

• The songs of my teens are now classics, and some have been revived by new singers.

• Two of my nephews are teenagers now, one will be a high school freshman by June.

• My younger sister is 30 and her little one is now a year old.

• My laughlines are more pronounced and I see more grey hair on my head.

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Maybe time did pass, I just refused to acknowledge it. Hoping that by doing so I can believe that the decisions of my past will not permanently engrave my future.

And now at thirty-five, I'd like to believe that I still have plenty of future left. I can feel it in my bones (which go creak on a cold morning).

it's out there

I had an "aha! moment" this morning during church service. What I heard from our preacher today wasn't entirely new to me but I sure realized many things because he put them into words.

Today's life lesson was about wealth. Claiming it, growing it and sharing it with others.

Abundance can be one's own if he makes a decision to claim it. All of us has access to unlimited wealth and the only difference is not all of us have decided to take the necessary steps to own it.

God wants all of us to succeed in life. If success meant having enough money for oneself and for sharing, that is exactly the state God wants us to be in. Like a good father who wishes only the best for his children, God has given each of us the equal amount of opportunity to become the best person we can be.

At the end of the session, we were given a fake 1000 peso bill in which we are to write down our financial goal. We had to write the exact amount of money we want to earn and a time goal when we want to attain it. I am yet to write my own. A part of me wants to write down a plausible enough goal because I am scared to take the challenge. But another part tells me that I can achieve the seemingly impossible.

My wealth is out there. i just have to learn how to get to it.

Crossing my fingers

Lately, I’ve been hanging out regularly with a couple of new friends who love coffee as much as I do. The irony of it is that we became closer after both have been transferred to other SMC businesses. We call ourselves the “Secret Council” since we share a lot of those when we are together. A night out with them can give you hiccups (not to mention gas) because of the hilarious moments we have when we’re together. I’m just glad I found new friends even after our work unit was trimmed down from 67 to 19, and after most, if not all of my closest friends in the office have either resigned or moved to other SMC businesses.

I’ve often boasted to many that I’ve stuck it out in SMC for four years (a record-breaker for me) because of the people I work with. I constantly hear people complain about the politics within the organization and had I been younger, my impulsive nature would jump on to the next available job elsewhere. Just to digress a bit, I got 3 job offers in a span of a week, all of which I turned down without batting an eyelash and this is probably why I am writing this blog; to document my feat! Haha!

I’ve talked to ex-SMC employees and while their new jobs pay higher, they still long for the unique culture of San Miguel. There are days when you are neck deep in deliverables, trying to beat the deadline while at the same time lacking the resources you need to get through. But there are also days when you can bask in the tranquility of day to day tasks that can wait on you while you spend a few minutes – sometimes exceeding 15 – at the upper mall (a.k.a. yo area).

I do experience the politics within, or witness the internal inequity, and I also feel anxious whenever some changes are implemented. But I’d like to say I found my home in SMC. Work has become more than just a way to get some dough every 15th or 30th. It has become a learning experience, an advocacy and a roller coaster ride rolled into one. Also, the familiar faces I see everyday from the time I enter the sliding doors make me feel comfortable.

More importantly, SMC is where I learned the most about myself and what I am capable of becoming. Thanks largely to the bosses I’ve had because they saw something in me that I myself cannot bring to acknowledge.

While I know that life doesn’t end after San Miguel and that there are greater opportunities outside, I still wish I can say for sure that this is where I will retire. So like everyone else in the organization, I just have to accept the fact that change is very much a part of the San Miguel culture. I just have to hope that when the next tide turns, I won’t be washed off to shore.

Making Miracles

We attended the first session of The Feast today and the topic was "How to be a Miracle Worker". It was the 4th of the 24 Building Blocks of the Champion's Life. Bo Sanchez talked about the 5 ways to create wonders in one's life.

Bo first mentioned that in Latin, the literal meaning of the word miracle is "something wonderful." These days we just associate "miracle" with "magic" or an occurence that is incredible and "out of this world." But if we revert to its original meaning, it is safe to say that we can always create miracles in our life. Having "something wonderful" happen to you can even be a daily occurence, if you will it to happen.

At one point in my life, I felt that I was neck deep in quicksand and any movement I make will make me sink even deeper and eventually take the living daylights out of me. I am talking about the time I left home and decided to be with Lyndon. I made a decision out of stubborness and pride and it severely affected my relationsip with my parents. It was a difficult time because not only were we financially unstable, we were also hurting my family really bad. I made some choices that I thought were right at that time, until the difficulties started pouring in. I was in a rut. We were deep in debt and living from paycheck to paycheck. I didn't know how to get out. There also came a point when I had to swallow my pride and move in with my sister, we just couldnt sustain living on our own anymore.

Those were dark days too because we had to abide by the rules of the household and animosity was beginning to broil. I was dying to move out again but my circumstances prevented me.

I was in a deeper rut. I never blamed the Lord for what was happening in our life because I knew perfectly well that my choices led me to where I was. However, I didn't also bother lifting a finger to ask for God's help. I told myself "I brought myself here, I'll bring myself out."

Then one day, Lyndon decided he would attend Bo's church service. We were being invited by his brother for so long but we never gave it a thought. He came back from the church service a different person. Soon after I started attending too. Little by little I came to realize that God has a better plan for my life. He doesn't want me to be in the mess that I am in. In fact, He wants me to be successful and achieve all my dreams.

Blessings then started pouring. For one, Lyndon got a permanent job. At 40, he was beginning to be desperate about the possibility of getting a full time job. I got retained amidst a major restructuring in our company with a promotion to top it off. We were able to move to a nice apartment building that fits our requirements and was within our budget. Most important of all we have been forgiven by my family and things are better between us.

My life today isn't all perfect. There are still days when I struggle. There are still moments when I blame myself for the mistakes of the past. There are still aspects of my life that need correcting. But I am better. I am healing and I'm learning to love myself more and more. I'm beginning to create miracles in my own life.

For the Birthday Girl

While I know that it will take years for you to appreciate what I’ve written here, I want to dedicate this post to you, our little Angel. Happy 2nd Birthday darling!

If I were a fairy godmother these are my wishes for you, princess…

May you have Tita Dionne’s zest for adventure, passion for learning and love for pets… and may you also find (when the time is right) a prince charming that will sweep you off your feet.

May you have Tita Desire’s love for her siblings, which enables her to see beyond shortcomings, and give past what she is capable of… and may you also win the adoration of a lovable rogue even if he comes into your life unexpectedly.

May you have Lola Zeny’s principled ways, forgiving heart and pride in the accomplishments of her children… and may your cooking skills be at par with hers as well.

May you have Lolo Rene’s sensibility, wit and humor that will enable you to find delight even during inopportune situations… and may you earn the respect of people around you, for the significant role you play in their lives.

May you learn to love books, play fair, revere your elders, cook gourmet and give a great massage.

May you know how to stand up for your convictions without losing respect for the opinion of others.

May you learn to write with passion and speak your mind with eloquence to influence others positively.

May you dance gracefully, sing on key or know how to play an instrument; but learning all three wouldn’t be so bad.

May you always see what is bright and colorful about life, believe in yourself and learn to love and give unconditionally.

All these, I wish for you little girl, and I will pray that you grow up to be one fine lady; one that your brothers and parents will take pride on.

Leap of Faith

18 months after I gave up my own studio unit and moved in with my big sister, I’m back to being independent again. By independent, I mean paying my own rent, utilities, groceries and looking for my own plumber when the need arises.

Lyndon and I moved to an apartment a couple of blocks away from my sister’s place in Pasig. It’s like creating another beginning, a fresh start, rebuilding my own niche and crossing my fingers that everything will be on the up and up from hereon. A leap of faith, I would like to call it, because while the first time I moved out of the house was a result of a harried and impulsive decision, this time I am planning each step of the way. I intend to make good on this choice and make sure that I will be in full control of my life this time.

I’m enjoying every minute of this. From re-painting the cheap furniture I bought from a flea market, to choosing the color for my curtains, to making sure that everything is in its place, I’m relishing every moment.

But I know it will not be a bed of roses all the way. I expect it will be difficult adjusting, paying the bills and taking responsibility for everything.

At 33, I’m learning to be a grown up (again).

Angelic Encounters

I never liked kids. I find them too much to handle. They are loud, messy and constantly needing of attention. They need to be entertained, fed, bathed, taught, disciplined, put to bed, etc. Things I’d rather do for myself alone. I vowed not to have any kids in the future. I don’t want to be a mommy; it’s just too much responsibility for the likes of me.

But everything changed 12 years ago. A little boy came to the family and amused everyone with his big round eyes and curly hair. He was so tiny, a few ounces short of 5 pounds. He looked so fragile, so weak, but he made everyone feel light inside. Just a few days after his arrival, I knew I was in love.

I never thought it would be possible to fall in love twice, and at the same time. But exactly a year after the first angel came, a second cherub made its way to my heart. He was as small as the first and quite as fragile too. But the same thing happened, again I fell in love.

My life was never the same again with the 2 boys around. All of a sudden I was anticipating their every smirk, smile, coo and pout. A few months after, I graduated to first words, first steps, new expressions and new antics. Fast forward to pre-school years, I had to be up-to-date with news of their achievements in school; I had to be present in every major school event, and would sit proudly amongst the crowd, beaming at my two angels.

A few years ago, Gabriel and Rafael had to go to the states to be with their Dad (my kuya) for good. It was a heartbreaking time of my life, knowing that I will no longer be a first row spectator to their young lives. No more unexpected phone calls from radar because Gabriel didn’t want to finish his homework. No more encounters with a tearful Raffy because he didn’t want to take his medicine. No more squeals of delight when I bring treats home or fights to referee because someone didn’t have his turn with the PS2. No more butts to wash, faces to clean, hairs to comb. No more big hugs, wet kisses.

My two angels are big boys now. A few years shy of adolescence. I’ve missed a major part of their childhood, and I know that is something that can never be brought back. But I am thankful that they have grown into fine young men; smart, talented and respectful.

Gabriel and Raffy, Happy Birthday to you both. You are always in Tita Daph’s prayers. I miss you so much and I always pray that we’ll see each other again.

Uncertainty

Borrowing a friend's article title, I would like to talk about the recent happenings regarding my career.

A few weeks back, our HR director and our boss summoned out whole department to a closed door meeting. It was for the prupose of announcing the pending reorganization of the HR group. As a consequence, people might be displaced, transferred elsewhere or lose their jobs. The new organization will not happen until 2008, but changes will begin happening by third quarter of this year. With the announcement came a suggestion to start exploring career opportunities outside SMC. Of course there was much talk about us being highly employable to quell our anxiety about the impending change.

Just when I have made my decision to stay in SMC up until rertirement age...

I love being in San Miguel, not only do I learn something new each day, I am also in the company of people who have become dear friends. I take pride in our products (sometimes I get flak from my sisters because of my loyalty to SMC products), our heritage, and the kind of people that SMC breeds. Walking in the corridors (despite the worn out carpeting and wiggly panels) of the head office makes me feel at home. The guards and maintenance people are polite, the employees (well most) have a ready smile when you nod or say hi.

But then again, as I said before, sometimes decisions are not ours to be made. Sometimes, circumstances will dictate the direction.

I've posted a couple of applications on-line and got a couple of calls for interviews already. Let's see what happens next.

My cubbyhole

It's November, and Christmas is just a few weeks away.

I wonder what Christmas this year would be like. I don't intend to spend Christmas elsewhere, I mean I still want to spend it with my Family. Hopefully, between Xmas and now, I'd get the courage to face my mom.

On weekends, I often think about dropping by, especially when my big sister and her family are spending the weekend at Tambo. Well, like today. But I always debate with myself whether I should go or not. And all the time the "no" wins. Oh maybe, I'd convince my other self next time.

A number of things have been added to my house. Like furniture for the dining area and sala. I got them really cheap at Dapitan Arcade with the help of my best friend's hubby. I got seven pieces of furniture for just P2800! How cheap is that! But i had to have the sofa and chair upholstered first. And when they were done, my little cubbyhole looked a lot better.

Nonoy and I were talking about dressing up the place for Christmas, but I was thinking, "my place is so small, I wouldn't have space to walk around if i add more knick-knacks." But I do love decorating, and that has been my unofficial assignment at my mom's house for as long as I can remember. I don't know, I think I just have this patience for prettying up a place using what ever it is I can get my hands on.

There are still a few more things I need for the house and little by little, I'd be able to complete everything. I cook now, because I have my stove and kitchen things already. I love cooking! It has become another hobby for me. I even cooked for a whole bunch of people for Nonoy's birthday, and got a lot of praises for it.

Oh no, I'm beginning to sound like a wifey....scary!