Yesterday was my ate's birthday. I wanted to see her but she told me they are having her birthday dinner at my mom's house. Hmmm...can't do that just yet.
Later, on my way home I got a text from my mom. . ."Thank you sa bigas. Hindi ako galit, just disappointed." I had my month's rice ration taken to her house that afternoon.
I didn't know if I should be relieved to know that my mom is not angry with me, but making her feel "disappointed" in me feels even worse. It's as if i've completely failed her, and that whatever good things I've done in the past do not matter now.
Good things? I haven't done much. Not in my mother's eyes at least. That's why when she said I disappointed her. . . I just told myself, "this is not something new." My mom has always expected more from me than her other kids. I don't know why, or would I bother knowing why. It's just something I had to live with all my life. I needed to do more, earn more, win more, learn more, know more, just because.
So now I have a new role. I am the disappointment. Oh well...
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